Gratitude Journaling: I Made A Mistake

Happy Thursday!  Remember gratitude is about being grateful at the moment, appreciating what you have right now.  Remember that definition as you read my mistake below.

What is a mistake?  A mistake, as defined in the dictionary is action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.

We all mistakes.  Some are more profound and life-changing than others.  When I was in my middle twenties I started seeing a man, who I fell in love with.  He was by all technical terms the love of my life, my first love, etc.  We dated for many years but never lived together.  We were in an intimate relationship, despite not being married.  It didn’t necessarily seem wrong because we were committed to each other, and were using protection to prevent pregnancy or STD.  After 4 years into our relationship, I became pregnant.  So, this is where my mistake comes in.  I had been using the same contraception for years, but it only had 75% efficacy.  Instead of switching to the pill, I kept using the same contraception.  I should have known eventually it would catch up with us.  But, again I assumed if I did get pregnant we would probably get married and raise the child.  There are two mistakes here 1, assuming the behavior of anyone else, and 2 not upgrading to proper pregnancy precautions.  Despite us being engaged, he did not want a child.  He didn’t want the responsibility and surely didn’t want to be married.  He liked things the way they were.  He insisted I get an abortion, or lose him.  Please note this is not a discussion about whether abortion is right or wrong, so please no comments as to such.  I chose to have the child, and do away with him.  My son was born, and I became a mom.  I was ambivalent as I was not sure I knew how to be a mom, or if I even really wanted to be a mom, and I definitely did not want to be a single mom.  My mother was a single mom, and the struggles were real.  But, I did it anyway.  I can tell you 20 years later I do not for one-second regret either of the mistakes.  He showed me his true colors and the ugly side of himself that he hid all them years.  He was a child himself, a person with no reason to need responsibility.  I do not regret one second being a single mom.  It was hard, very hard, and I am a professional.  But, it taught me so much, and the bond I had with my son was so strong.  It made me stronger, efficient, resilient, and not so naive as to the behaviors of others.  As for the birth control issue, and getting pregnant without wanting to, I have raised both of my children to stay celibate until they are at least 18, and even longer if they have not found someone they love and they love them.  To be responsible for any sexual activity they may choose to partake in, don’t assume your partner will do it, and that if you are old enough to have sex then you are old enough to be responsible for the consequences.  This is obviously in the light of consensual sex.  Non-consensual sex is another whole topic.

Mistakes don’t have to be bad things.  Mistakes teach us and make us stronger if you let it.  I am grateful that I was able to overcome my fears of being a single mother to receive one of the biggest blessings of my life, my son.  I also have a daughter, and she too is a blessing, just a different part of my story.  I am grateful for both of my children and the amazing people they will become.

I have made many other mistakes in my life, and they are all life lessons.  Some, I still struggle with, and the learning process has not ended.  I hope they too will be blessings one day and that I can see them in the light of being grateful.


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